Hairy Backs and Lonely Hearts

It’s that time of year again. That one holiday that no one really knows how or when it started to mean red roses or chocolate hearts.  Your news feed fills with floral portraits claiming both the elements of surprise and world’s best boyfriend. Only to be topped by proposal pictures some poor soul took hiding in the bushes secretly wishing it was their own proposal. And for the love, don’t forget to get everyone in the class an equally (un)memorable card.

Assuming you aren’t angry yet, this poem ought to put you in a terrible mood. Enjoy. Or don’t.

The UnLove Poem

I wish you were dead. 
I stop to smell the roses. My body decomposes.
I wrote this song with you in mind.
So screw California.

I’ve been spending all my money on weed and pickles.
I believe in Veggies. I believe in daydreams.

It’s that time of day.
You gotta spend some time. I’m here for the rest of my life.
You can watch and see how fast my hair grows.
C’mon down to the freak show.

Like my good friend Frankie said, I’m gonna live till I die.
Rolley polley. Let me get up on it.
F&%$ everyone. I’m writing a note 
And starting a new day. I love them Georgia peaches. 
They make me feel right at home. I’m gonna go 
Until I get martini-ed out.

This little gem is a compilation of song lyrics played over the Blue Ion speakers since March 2013 (gasp!).  So this Valentine’s day, do yourself a favor – order flowers a day late (clearance sale), let it be an ACTUAL surprise (you jerk) and save yourself some dough (cheap ass). And definitely don’t use this poem (seriously).

Editor’s note: I secretly actually love Valentine’s Day. There, I said it. In super small print…