10 Pregnancy Truths No One Has the Heart To Tell You

Posted by on Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Pregnancy is a weird time in your life when you don’t know your own girth. Like parking a new car in the garage, you never know when exactly you are going to run into the door, but you feel confident it’s going to happen. Certainty like, just because those clothes fit last week, doesn’t mean they will fit this week.
 
It’s a hard balance of being so grateful for the blessing that is child-bearing and wildly underprepared for all of the changes. Hopefully, these pregnancy truths will warn, encourage or prepare you.
 

1. 90% of maternity clothes fit into at least one of these categories:

a) My grandma has more style.
b) These fit super weird and I can’t figure out why.
c) If this is supposed to fit me, how big am I going get?
d) How can my pants be falling down and jacked up to my neck simultaneously?
 

2. It is entirely possible to be sick of eating and hungry at the same time.

And to throw up and then eat a burrito (in that order) in a 5-minute time span.
 

3. “Morning” is the wrong adjective in Morning sickness.

The scientific name is “Nausea and Vomiting of Pregnancy” (NVP) and that is 250% more accurate.
 

4. About NVP…

NVP doesn’t give a shit about you. NVP doesn’t care that you cry everytime you throw up. NVP doesn’t care that you are in a client meeting. NVP doesn’t care that you can’t be late to work today. NVP doesn’t care that you have only dry heaved for the last 45 days and are stuck in traffic and THIS is the time it’s not “dry”.
 

5.  When you are pregnant at a cocktail party or any other small-talk-social-gathering, 97% of people in attendance will only ask you these questions.

a) How are you feeling?
They assume you feel like shit. Heads up, the majority of people feel fine after that first 3 months – which is probably when you found out they were pregnant – so just proceed to B…if you must.
b) When are you due?
They want to know if you are going to get bigger or if you have defied the 1 in 365 chances that you are giving birth on their birthday.
c) Do you know what you are having?
They want to see if their guess is right.
d) Do you have a name picked out?
They want you to volunteer it for judgment. Don’t give in – stay strong!
 

6.  The 3% that goes beyond these three questions only wants to talk about babies.

Because, well, that’s all you know about right? All of the other things you intelligently conversed over has just disappeared from your interests, right? Wrong. Do the world a favor and talk to pregnant people like you talk to people. Cause I’m sober and may lash out.

 

7.  About the bump…

You will likely just look like you did right after college until you are close to 6 months pregnant. Extra padding here and there, no sign of an actual “bump” and all the more confusing as to why you aren’t drinking at happy hour for innocent bystanders. You can’t feel anything inside this “bump” of yours until like 7 months. And then you do. And that is the weirdest / coolest / creepiest / most-alien-like-thing your body has ever done. And it will probably make you cry.
 

8.  Suddenly everyone around you becomes super protective.

Your super chill husband no longer leaves for work until you are out of the bathtub. You aren’t allowed to climb a ladder, stand on a chair, or walk in the woods. All things you’ve done your whole life without busting your ass.
 

9. You can only be as productive as one can be in 30 minutes.

Because you will need to pee, drink, eat, or stretch.
 

10. When people say “back labor,” they don’t mean lower back.

They mean backside. As in, your butt. I’ll stop here.

 
 

Categories: Life, Whatever

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